Everyday I got a little more tired because instead of staying on site we stayed with relatives and took public transportation to and from the event. It was a great time and I would not change it for the world. On the last day though, I did not realize how tired I really was until a gentleman had gotten on the train. He smelled of day old smoke and was very gruff when speaking. He sat down across from me and started asking questions to the gentleman who was sitting behind him. Rob, who was sitting behind me, just placed his hand on my shoulder as he said he could see my whole body tense. The rest of the ride I tried to busy my mind with other things, it didn't work. By the time we arrived at our stop, I could not breathe and I could not get off the train quick enough. Trying to hold it together, I was standing in line at McDonalds and couldn't even concentrate long enough to order. Crying just seemed to come and was not something that could be shut off. I still had an hour to stand at our booth, smile and talk about ministry; I knew that was not going to be possible without intervention. Thanks to all of you who prayed that Saturday morning. 
So fast forward through this week: I worked, I taught, I worked some more and taught some more. Plowing through the week as if nothing had happened last week.
I found myself not sleeping, getting agitated and having anxiety. On Thursday I was teaching and I could tell that something was different with this guy that was in class. As we were talking about excuses and living in denial he said that last week he accepted The Lord, because on the first week of class I challenged him to start acting different if he really wanted to be different. He then stated that he was going to quit "the gang". He proceeded to tell me the gang he was apart of and I just kept smiling and praying. 
"Thank you Lord, that this man wants to follow You and not the world especially the gang, but Lord the last time this happened, I was beaten up for it. Lord give me strength to keep plugging away as You have asked me. Lord as I walk, let me walk in obedience and not fear".
By Saturday morning I was finished. Put a fork in me I am done. I was so fidgety and full of anxiety that I realized I had hardly eaten in a few days and I was just going through the motions of life.
So why am I blogging about this. Because I think this picture I took today captured the way I felt this past week but did not realize I was allowing myself to live in denial of "I'm ok...I'm a Christian and God is bigger than my problems, so therefore I have no problems". 
So here are my take-a-ways from this past week.
1) I HAVE to take time for ME.
I feel if I take down time then some how I am less than and then I allow the shame and guilt of my past to creep up, start speaking and before I know it, I can fall into a depression.
2) It's ok to take ME time.
This past week has taught me that I NEED me time. I learned that by living with PTSD, being re triggered and NOT completely decompressing that it allows for a build up that when it blows.....be ware. I felt that time coming this week but I did not know how to deal with it so I shut down. Shut downs also creates depression.
3) I also learned this week, that just because it works for you, it may not work for me.....and that is ok.
Living with PTSD and depression is different for every person. How it rears itself. How it affects us. How it gets dealt with. The thing I learned this week is that by living in the denial that "it does not affect my daily life"; allows for satan to use it more and more therefore keeping me from being productive.
I know now, that this is a part of my daily life. It is not an excuse to say see "this is why", but instead it is just a speed bump that I have learned is part of living everyday to the fullest.
How I respond is how effective I will be in getting to the end of the day with myself in tact or the transmission tore out from speeding over and slamming down on the other side of the speed bump.
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