Climbing out of the MARRIAGE RUT

Walking through Wal-Mart Sunday afternoon Rob starts joking around.  And I start laughing.  All of a sudden in all seriousness he says "do you think all couples joke and have fun like we do or are they in a rut? I've heard that a rut is just a grave with the end kicked out." 

Just to show you a little of my husbands sense of humor here are two pictures he took Sunday while we were at the store. 

And his status said " Having a good  (see pic 1) with Meredith (see pic 2)" Sage is my madden name. 

This started an afternoon of thinking, pondering and praying for couples who aren't in a good place. 

My question is: Do you and your spouse laugh together? Do you even like being together? If your answer is no, but you would like to get back to that point let's look at some basic questions. 

What did you do for fun together when you first met? 

Did you used to cook for your spouse? 

Did you used to make a special breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays?

Did you take walks or go to the park? 

Did you get an ice cream cone or a coffee depending on the season and walk downtown holding hands?

The key is, communication....right?  Yes but it is so much more than the verbal communication, it is also the non-verbal communication or lack there of that also creates friction. 

So why do we stop communicating? 

Raising children can be hard on a marriage.  I use as an example when I am speaking on parenting that the most co-dependant people are soccer moms.  Their whole life is wrapped up in soccer from the time the child is 3 all the way to 18.  Then the child goes to college and mom is now trying to figure out who that man is, that is sleeping in her bed.  She is trying to figure out what her likes and dislikes are, because for all these years it's been the closest drive-thru. Maybe this is you and you are laughing "I'm not that bad". Ok then ask your husband, but prepared for the truth. 

Maybe it's not raising children maybe you have had a traumatic event happen and now you suffer from PTSD or anxiety. 

Or you are trying hard to live up to the standards of your in-laws or parents and you spend so much time worrying about what they think that you neglect your spouse. 

The list goes on and on and we allow one day to go by, then another, then another and before you know it you're asking for a separation or worse yet a divorce.

We think that the issues have gone too far and are irreparable, because that is exactly what satan is telling you. But we are here to tell you...it's NOT too late. 

Let's let loose and have some fun with our spouse tonight.  

Go for a walk and do the monkey walk.

Sit together on the couch...snuggled...stealing a kiss...holding hands....

Get out the photo albums of when you were dating.....

Get out the music and start singing the songs from when you were dating. 

Go to the park and push your spouse on the swing....then chase each other to the slide.

Take a blanket outside on a clear night and lay down looking up at the stars and just talk. 

If you have kids....put the kids to bed early and order pizza and watch a movie....I don't care that it's a weeknight. 

Rob and I started a tradition when we were first dating for Valentines Day because a card was a desire not a need p, but still to this day we do this on Valentines Day. We go to the card isle, pick out cards to give to each other,  exchange them in the isle, read them and then put them back. This costs nothing but costs everything if you aren't enjoying life together. 

Be spontaneous...but also be aware if your spouse does have anxiety or PTSD some of the spontaneous things will not work because you won't want to trigger your spouse or make things worse. 

This by all means is not an exhaustive list, but our hope in writing this, is that it will get you to start laughing and enjoying each other once again. 

Done living in denial

Just over a week ago I was in Texas at a convention.  It was a great convention with lots of prospects for the 180 Program. 

Everyday I got a little more tired because instead of staying on site we stayed with relatives and took public transportation to and from the event.  It was a great time and I would not change it for the world.  On the last day though, I did not realize how tired I really was until a gentleman had gotten on the train.  He smelled of day old smoke and was very gruff when speaking. He sat down across from me and started asking questions to the gentleman who was sitting behind him. Rob, who was sitting behind me, just placed his hand on my shoulder as he said he could see my whole body tense.  The rest of the ride I tried to busy my mind with other things, it didn't work. By the time we arrived at our stop, I could not breathe and I could not get off the train quick enough.  Trying to hold it together, I was standing in line at McDonalds and couldn't even concentrate long enough to order. Crying just seemed to come and was not something that could be shut off. 

I still had an hour to stand at our booth, smile and talk about ministry; I knew that was not going to be possible without intervention.  Thanks to all of you who prayed that Saturday morning. 

So fast forward through this week:  I worked, I taught, I worked some more and taught some more.  Plowing through the week as if nothing had happened last week. 

I found myself not sleeping, getting agitated and having anxiety. On Thursday I was teaching and I could tell that something was different with this guy that was in class. As we were talking about excuses and living in denial he said that last week he accepted The Lord, because on the first week of class I challenged him to start acting different if he really wanted to be different.  He then stated that he was going to quit "the gang".  He proceeded to tell me the gang he was apart of and I just kept smiling and praying.  

"Thank you Lord, that this man wants to follow You and not the world especially the gang, but Lord the last time this happened, I was beaten up for it.  Lord give me strength to keep plugging away as You have asked me. Lord as I walk, let me walk in obedience and not fear". 

By Saturday morning I was finished. Put a fork in me I am done. I was so fidgety and full of anxiety that I realized I had hardly eaten in a few days and I was just going through the motions of life. 

So why am I blogging about this. Because I think this picture I took today captured the way I felt this past week but did not realize I was allowing myself to live in denial of "I'm ok...I'm a Christian and God is bigger than my problems, so therefore I have no problems". 

 So here are my take-a-ways from this past week.  

1) I HAVE to take time for ME.  

I feel if I take down time then some how I am less than and then I allow the shame and guilt of my past to creep up, start speaking and before I know it, I can fall into a depression. 

2) It's ok to take ME time.

This past week has taught me that I NEED me time. I learned that by living with PTSD, being re triggered and NOT completely decompressing that it allows for a build up that when it blows.....be ware. I felt that time coming this week but I did not know how to deal with it so I shut down.  Shut downs also creates depression. 

3) I also learned this week, that just because it works for you, it may not work for me.....and that is ok.  

Living with PTSD and depression is different for every person.  How it rears itself.  How it affects us.  How it gets dealt with. The thing I learned this week is that by living in the denial that "it does not affect my daily life"; allows for satan to use it more and more therefore keeping me from being productive. 

I know now, that this is a part of my daily life.  It is not an excuse to say see "this is why", but instead it is just a speed bump that I have learned is part of living everyday to the fullest.  

How I respond is how effective I will be in getting to the end of the day with myself in tact or the transmission tore out from speeding over and slamming down on the other side of the speed bump.