Climbing out of the MARRIAGE RUT

Walking through Wal-Mart Sunday afternoon Rob starts joking around.  And I start laughing.  All of a sudden in all seriousness he says "do you think all couples joke and have fun like we do or are they in a rut? I've heard that a rut is just a grave with the end kicked out." 

Just to show you a little of my husbands sense of humor here are two pictures he took Sunday while we were at the store. 

And his status said " Having a good  (see pic 1) with Meredith (see pic 2)" Sage is my madden name. 

This started an afternoon of thinking, pondering and praying for couples who aren't in a good place. 

My question is: Do you and your spouse laugh together? Do you even like being together? If your answer is no, but you would like to get back to that point let's look at some basic questions. 

What did you do for fun together when you first met? 

Did you used to cook for your spouse? 

Did you used to make a special breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays?

Did you take walks or go to the park? 

Did you get an ice cream cone or a coffee depending on the season and walk downtown holding hands?

The key is, communication....right?  Yes but it is so much more than the verbal communication, it is also the non-verbal communication or lack there of that also creates friction. 

So why do we stop communicating? 

Raising children can be hard on a marriage.  I use as an example when I am speaking on parenting that the most co-dependant people are soccer moms.  Their whole life is wrapped up in soccer from the time the child is 3 all the way to 18.  Then the child goes to college and mom is now trying to figure out who that man is, that is sleeping in her bed.  She is trying to figure out what her likes and dislikes are, because for all these years it's been the closest drive-thru. Maybe this is you and you are laughing "I'm not that bad". Ok then ask your husband, but prepared for the truth. 

Maybe it's not raising children maybe you have had a traumatic event happen and now you suffer from PTSD or anxiety. 

Or you are trying hard to live up to the standards of your in-laws or parents and you spend so much time worrying about what they think that you neglect your spouse. 

The list goes on and on and we allow one day to go by, then another, then another and before you know it you're asking for a separation or worse yet a divorce.

We think that the issues have gone too far and are irreparable, because that is exactly what satan is telling you. But we are here to tell you...it's NOT too late. 

Let's let loose and have some fun with our spouse tonight.  

Go for a walk and do the monkey walk.

Sit together on the couch...snuggled...stealing a kiss...holding hands....

Get out the photo albums of when you were dating.....

Get out the music and start singing the songs from when you were dating. 

Go to the park and push your spouse on the swing....then chase each other to the slide.

Take a blanket outside on a clear night and lay down looking up at the stars and just talk. 

If you have kids....put the kids to bed early and order pizza and watch a movie....I don't care that it's a weeknight. 

Rob and I started a tradition when we were first dating for Valentines Day because a card was a desire not a need p, but still to this day we do this on Valentines Day. We go to the card isle, pick out cards to give to each other,  exchange them in the isle, read them and then put them back. This costs nothing but costs everything if you aren't enjoying life together. 

Be spontaneous...but also be aware if your spouse does have anxiety or PTSD some of the spontaneous things will not work because you won't want to trigger your spouse or make things worse. 

This by all means is not an exhaustive list, but our hope in writing this, is that it will get you to start laughing and enjoying each other once again. 

Better late than never: I owe my husband an apology

In 1997, my marriage was over.  My husband did not love me anymore, at least that is what he said.  The truth was, as with most marriages, is that it had become comfortable and we allowed satan to come in for the kill. I was devastated.  I thought I was doing things correctly.  I had recently become a Christian, and from the pulpit I was hearing "submit, submit, submit".  I was even given books on being a "submissive" wife. 

But today's blog is about the apology I owe my husband even years later.  (If you want the whole story, it's on our website www.lessonsfromanaffair.com) 

This past Sunday in church we studied Matthew 18 on how to reconcile.  The first verse of the lesson went like this: 

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ~Matthew 18:15

In 1997, I was so deviststed that I was talking to people from church.  The husbands of the wives decided that these verses were their context for taking matters into their own hands and comfronting him after work in the parking lot. 

I noticed something Sunday..... Go to, point (talk), just between you and the offending party. 

This parking lot mob was not Biblical, no matter how you sliced it. The issue was between my husband and me....period...but because I did not follow the first part of this verse it turned into a church discipline and asking us both not to return to the church. 

What I learned this last weekend was, that we as humans don't like conflict and we like to be right and we like to take scripture out of context to make our side more palatable; but in the process we hurt people and some get turned away from God and the church.  

So to my husband of 30 years in May:

I love you and I am sorry...

And to the rest of you my question is: 

Are you a change agent for God or a stumbling block in this world? 

Are you a crown or a cancer?

Today's blog is just for women: 

In Proverbs 12 it says: 
A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones

Worthy, worthy of what? What is the definition of worthy? Honorable, valuable.

I think one of the challenges today is that "things", are so attainable and easily thrown away that relationships start to become "things" also.

We also start looking for our self worth in things and what we have to offer.

There use to be a simpler time when women were admired for their inner beauty not their outer beauty.  There was a time when wearing clothes that covered our bodies and not being out on the streets looking for love was admirable. There was a time when you waited for the guy to come around, and you did not throw yourself at them EVER.  You didn't go looking for it.  There was a time, actually, when courting, was the norm. There was a time when being a virgin on your wedding night was the norm not the exception.

Why do we think today, that we can't be like a woman of yesteryear?  Why do we think that by walking the streets, searching the Internet,going to the clubs, posting pictures on websites in clothing that should have been outlawed, that we will get men worthy of us being a "crown"....  Instead of being a crown you will be a jewel he will add to his already filled crown of other women that meant nothing.

Why do we not see ourselves worthy to be a crown?  Why have we let the world of advertising tell us that "unless you are this size" or "doing this in the world", you are less than?  Why do we think that as soon as the guy says hello we need to jump in bed with them?  Why do we not see ourselves worthy of being that crown to our husband, key word husband....why do we worry that we will miss something if we settle down and start a life with just one man?  Why do we think that our lives will be empty if we become a woman of a time gone by?

What would our relationships look like, what would our children learn if we became the women of yesteryear?

So my question is; are you a crown or a cancer?

And if you are not married, what are your actions teaching your children? And with your actions, are you going to catch the attention of a righteous, God-fearing, man?

Complacency and Marriage; A Deadly Combination

This last week our Pastor taught on the creating of Eve for Adam.  The joke was that God was a good God because he brought Adam a naked wife.   He also stated some more serious statements like Eve was made out of Adams RIB not his foot bone to be less than and not from the head to be grater than....

But the RIB to fit into.  We are a helper, helpmate or are we?

Many times I think we get into marriage thinking we are in love but in reality it's an infatuation.  The word love gets used too frequently these days by young teens and young adults.  In my opinion the word LOVE has become diluted to mean:  today, I will do what you ask and be with you  but when something better comes along, I'll see ya later.  When that "better" comes along; then all the faults that were there to begin with that you accepted, now become reasons you can't "love" them anymore.

This last week I watched a movie by Tyler Perry called "Temptation".  I won't tell you the whole story line but the main part I want to point out is how we get complacent in our (in this case) marriage, and we take each other for granted. We forget what each others love languages are, we forget what makes them laugh, we forget what makes them happy, we forget what makes them ALIVE.   And we forget who we are, then one day someone or something gets introduced into our lives and we realize how unhappy we are.

There are a few reasons for complacency:

• We grew up together and it becomes just a part of our daily routine
• We get into a routine and just think the other person will always be there
• The other person will take my crap because he/she married me

And the list could go on and on....but the truth is complacency and taking your marriage and your husband/ wife as an individual  for granted is just what Satan wants.

So here are a few practical ways to get out of the "routine" of marriage

• Be spontaneous, now this will be hard if you have a Type A, Choleric, super first, or first born personality....and spouse if are married to that type of personality then you may have to modify your spontaneity.
• Be intentional
• Make sure your spouse feels appreciated
• Don't talk to everyone about your spouse and their shortcoming
• If you don't know what your and your spouses love language is find out:      http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/                       
• Now that you know both know, do them....watch out though your natural action will be to do the love language that you are
• Talk, uninterrupted talk....put away the electronics, shut the TV off and talk.
• Go for a walk
• If you can afford it, get away to a place where there is no TV, Internet, or cell service.
•  What did you used to do when you first met and had no money but at the end of the evening you were full because you truly cared for the person you had just spent the past hours with
•  Add your own:

Y.O.U.

God made you and made me. He made us with unique qualities.  Yesterday I wrote about labels and if you have read all 12 of these blogs this year you will have also seen, I was trying to fit into a "mold"; a label, a way of living.  I wanted to be prim and proper because I thought that was what it meant to be a Christian. Then I thought I needed to be quiet and submissive because the Bible said in

Ephesians 5:22-24 and this was the only part that was being preached:

 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.

Not only was it the only  part of the verse that was being preached, but it was being  proclaimed loudly from the pulpit.  Being a new Christian at the time I thought " ok, well he's the preacher and he knows what God is saying so I guess I had better obey".  And this preacher was preaching that submit meant "women, be quiet, do what your husband says even if it means losing yourself". Well this is a recipe for disaster and in some homes, especially if the man of the house is abusive, controlling and not reading the rest of the verse,this can end up with awful consequences.  Now for the rest of the verse which says....

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.  Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything

So first things first Christ and His ways are to be followed.  And I am going to tell you that men are the head of the house but in our house for smaller issues and things, my husband knew I was better suited to do certain things, but when big decisions were to be made my husband was and is the final authority.  Why do I not have a problem with being submissive today?  Because we are walking the whole verse as husband and wife. The rest of the verses go on to say:

Ephesians 5:25-33

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,  and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.  In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—  for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.  However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

  

Now back to your uniqueness.  God made YOU...Your Own Uniqueness.  So don't try to fit into a mold, don't try to be someone else, Be Yourself.  And remember that God makes NO JUNK; my paraphrase to Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do

Before we end I want you to also embrace where God has you in your local church serving.

1 Corinthians 12:15-20

Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body.  If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.  If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body

And if you aren't serving in your local body of believers  then ask God what He has for you and what you are supposed to be doing.