Climbing out of the MARRIAGE RUT

Walking through Wal-Mart Sunday afternoon Rob starts joking around.  And I start laughing.  All of a sudden in all seriousness he says "do you think all couples joke and have fun like we do or are they in a rut? I've heard that a rut is just a grave with the end kicked out." 

Just to show you a little of my husbands sense of humor here are two pictures he took Sunday while we were at the store. 

And his status said " Having a good  (see pic 1) with Meredith (see pic 2)" Sage is my madden name. 

This started an afternoon of thinking, pondering and praying for couples who aren't in a good place. 

My question is: Do you and your spouse laugh together? Do you even like being together? If your answer is no, but you would like to get back to that point let's look at some basic questions. 

What did you do for fun together when you first met? 

Did you used to cook for your spouse? 

Did you used to make a special breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays?

Did you take walks or go to the park? 

Did you get an ice cream cone or a coffee depending on the season and walk downtown holding hands?

The key is, communication....right?  Yes but it is so much more than the verbal communication, it is also the non-verbal communication or lack there of that also creates friction. 

So why do we stop communicating? 

Raising children can be hard on a marriage.  I use as an example when I am speaking on parenting that the most co-dependant people are soccer moms.  Their whole life is wrapped up in soccer from the time the child is 3 all the way to 18.  Then the child goes to college and mom is now trying to figure out who that man is, that is sleeping in her bed.  She is trying to figure out what her likes and dislikes are, because for all these years it's been the closest drive-thru. Maybe this is you and you are laughing "I'm not that bad". Ok then ask your husband, but prepared for the truth. 

Maybe it's not raising children maybe you have had a traumatic event happen and now you suffer from PTSD or anxiety. 

Or you are trying hard to live up to the standards of your in-laws or parents and you spend so much time worrying about what they think that you neglect your spouse. 

The list goes on and on and we allow one day to go by, then another, then another and before you know it you're asking for a separation or worse yet a divorce.

We think that the issues have gone too far and are irreparable, because that is exactly what satan is telling you. But we are here to tell you...it's NOT too late. 

Let's let loose and have some fun with our spouse tonight.  

Go for a walk and do the monkey walk.

Sit together on the couch...snuggled...stealing a kiss...holding hands....

Get out the photo albums of when you were dating.....

Get out the music and start singing the songs from when you were dating. 

Go to the park and push your spouse on the swing....then chase each other to the slide.

Take a blanket outside on a clear night and lay down looking up at the stars and just talk. 

If you have kids....put the kids to bed early and order pizza and watch a movie....I don't care that it's a weeknight. 

Rob and I started a tradition when we were first dating for Valentines Day because a card was a desire not a need p, but still to this day we do this on Valentines Day. We go to the card isle, pick out cards to give to each other,  exchange them in the isle, read them and then put them back. This costs nothing but costs everything if you aren't enjoying life together. 

Be spontaneous...but also be aware if your spouse does have anxiety or PTSD some of the spontaneous things will not work because you won't want to trigger your spouse or make things worse. 

This by all means is not an exhaustive list, but our hope in writing this, is that it will get you to start laughing and enjoying each other once again. 

What...You didn't know me?

My heart is HEAVY...

This week I finally watched "God's Not DEAD". After that I was doing a word study and it took me to Psalms 78 (which by the way had NOTHING to do with the word study) and then on Facebook I saw this picture

So why is my heart heavy? In watching "Gods Not DEAD", the Professor got all but ONE to write "God is DEAD" on a piece of paper in order to have an easier time in class. People may say "its not that big of a deal. Its just a piece of paper in a college class". Mark 8:38 says:

If anyone is ashamed of me and my message in these adulterous and sinful days, the Son of Man will be ashamed of that person when He returns in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” 

Not a big deal, you say. Well sometimes God gives you a verse that means a lot to you. Its not a part of a famous sermon or one we quote often when we are looking for a "make me feel good about myself" verse. The verses that rocked my world were  Matthew 7:21-23

 “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’  But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

I  will not write down all of Psalms 78 but instead I will paraphrase it:

Verses 1-8 Talks about how God issued laws to Jacob to teach His instructions to his children.  He also commanded our ancestors to teach them their children. Why?

So each generations should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting His glorious miracle and obeying His commands. Then they will not be like their ancestors —  stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful, refusing to give their hearts to God.

Verses 9-16 talks about how they forgot all the miracles He did as they turned their backs and fled the day of battle.

Verses 17-20  talks about how they kept sinning and tested God in their hearts saying: "God can’t give us food in the wilderness. Yes, He can strike a rock so water gushes out, but He can’t give his people bread and meat.”

How many times is this us; We try to use reverse psychology on God?

Verse 21-30 God becomes furious. The fire of His wrath burned. His anger rose. They did not believe God or TRUST Him to care for them. Even though God commanded the skies to open. It rained down manna.  It rained down meat as thick as dust, birds as plentiful as the sand on the seashore.  The people ate their fill.  He GAVE them WHAT THEY CRAVED. BUT GOD... but while the meat was YET in their mouths.....

Verse 31 says:  the anger of God rose against them, and He killed their strongest men. He struck down the finest of Israel’s young men.

Verse 32-33 says but in spite of this, the people kept sinning. Despite His wonders, they refused to trust Him.

Verse 34-38 says: When God began killing them,they finally sought Him. They repented and took God seriously. Then they remembered that God was their rock, But all they gave Him was LIP service. They LIED to Him with their tongues. Their hearts were not loyal. They did not keep His covenant. BUT GOD... was merciful and forgave and DID NOT destroy them all. He did not unleash His fury and anger. He was merciful and forgave their sins

Verse 39 ends with: For He remembered that they were merely mortal, gone like a breath of wind that never returns.

So why did Psalms 78 hit me so hard?  I see we do this a lot in our culture.  We are taught.  But we walk away, grumbling and complaining when we don't get what we THINK we need.  We start doing things on our own then complaining that God isn't big enough to fix our problems we created by walking away  from His commands  or by breaking His laws.

So whats really eating at me? As I have been praying for Wisdom, I have added discernment to that prayer.  And one thing I keep hearing God say is: TRUTH matters.

The picture earlier in this post ends with: "says a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers".   Now lets look at the scripture reference that backs that picture up. Matthew 7:21-23

 “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’  But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’

Please do not let another day go by and think that your spiritual resume, your attendance in church, or your work in the church will get you your ticket into Heaven.

John 17:3:And this is eternal life,that they know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.

 

This is also written on my site www.meredithsagekendall.com 

My "past" with the church

 

This morning as I was praying and reminiscing on my "past"with Churches, God gently took me to this scripture. 

I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more than he hurt me. Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him....... I do so with Christ’s authority for your benefit, so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes. 2 Corinthians 2 

What came to mind first was "I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more than he hurt me."

My trouble that I caused was my rants against the organized church which was a reaction to me being  a new Christian 18 years ago and being thrown out by my local church. From there that started my coming and going, joining and leaving of church. 

What I did not realize was that the Church is made up of humans who WILL let you down, and they WILL hurt your feelings. I had a false security.  My security was in people not Jesus. 

So why the public apology? Because of the second part of this verse .."however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him."

So as I have grown in faith, I have also been gently reminded by God that I needed to do this last part because if I have done anything to make someone run away from the body of believers, I am sorry and as this last part says "otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement".

There are churches out there and they will offend you and they will hurt your feelings, but what is the motive?  

Did they offend you because you are living in sin and they showed you Gods truth.  

Did they hurt your feelings because they showed you scripture and your actions and words are not matching up to Gods word? 

For me it was neither,  it was humans reacting in a human way to a situation and because I was a new Christian I associated that with all churches and Jesus.  

So I will leave you with this:  don't be discouraged by the church. It is made up of humans that will let you down, they will hurt your feelings.  If you find a church to be a part of don't leave just because your feelings were hurt or you didn't like something.  Get involved and find out why or be apart of the solution. 

BUT heed this warning:  if your pastor, minister or preacher thinks he IS God, then run....run as fast as you can. Find a church that has a servant leader who teaches Gods word not Mother Theresa's. Find a Bible believing church. A church that has as it's first and final authority the word of God.  Not a church that uses the Bible plus something else as they same weight of the scriptures. 

And if you find the PERFECT church DONT join....you will mess it up.  We are ALL messy people who need authentic relationships with Jesus as the core to make it through the rest of the time here on this earth. Because the end of this verse says..."so that Satan will not outsmart us. For we are familiar with his evil schemes".

Satan did not want me to post this (the first draft was deleted as I went to hit publish) and he definitely does NOT want healthy churches. 

Why Against the Grain started.

13 years ago: January 2002 I was on my way to work. I was a successful real estate agent, had a loving family and was very active once again in church.  

Monday morning I was on my way to a sales meeting.  I traveled a very beautiful road, lined with very mature trees that covered both sides and as it started up a steep incline, off to the right was an exclusive neighborhood in which Micheal W. Smith lived.  The sun was shining, we had had a great Sunday at church and Monday had come, but I was missing something.  My life had no meaning Sunday afternoon through Saturday night.  I went to work making more money than I ever had before but there was no purpose.  Sure we stroked a check and fed a village for a month, but what was my purpose here in Williamson County TN, one of the wealthiest counties? 

I called my husband to ask him to take a year off work and pray about what God would have us do with our life. 

Needless to say, Rob thought I was crazy.  You see we were getting ready to build a 6000 sq ft house with a 3 car garage and had all intentions of getting new cars. Our talks ended up becoming arguments as I felt there was more than just going to church when the church doors were open. 

Finally, Rob drew a line in the sand and said "I am the leader of this family and I will NOT close my business down to ask God what He wants".  And I said " you are right! You are the leader of this family now lead us spiritually!" 

Rob finished up his jobs, closed down the business and got before The Lord for a one year Sabatical. 

As the year went one Rob was so excited about what he was learning. He would share and we would talk.  About halfway into the year, Romans 12:1 & 2 really resonated with him and we felt that nothing else this would become our family motto. 

 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

But we still had no idea what else was about to happen.  The year was coming to an end we still had no answers. Then comes the women's retreat. 

The weekend was on passing on the baton to the next generation but more importantly what I remember was the story of the Butterfly and not opening the cocoon. As you see the butterfly struggling to break free from the cocoon, if you help the process by opening it for him, it'll be paralyzed and never fly. That weekend was also filled with our oldest daughter totally being a rebellious teenageer and having the "mom knows nothing" attitude. The young woman, whom I had driven to the retreat, put my daughter in her place and said " if only I had had a mother like yours".  

Isn't it funny how we always want someone else's mother and will take the same advice our mother gave us, but we listen when it comes from someone else. 

I guess the "spiritual high" of the weekend got to me, because I opened my mouth and out came "I'll be your mother".  

I quickly called Rob told him we adopted this young woman and she comes with three small boys. At that point and time Rob firmly told me to get home and we would talk about it. 

Upon arriving at home, I tell Rob everything about the weekend.  He runs downstairs where his laptop is and types out an outline for what he now sees as what God had been telling him for the past year about His heart: His heart for the poor,  the widow and the orphan. How we are to walk in messy relationship with people and not just give things away. When we just "do" for people, we are that person with the scissors cutting open the cocoon. We paralyze people when we continue to do for them what they with "relationship" can do for themselves. 

We call her up. Invite her and the boys for dinner. We then tell her that we are wanting to walk with her in relationship to help her achieve her goals. We were not going to give her anything, but help her become self-sufficient. 

We started that week with one mom and three kids and by June we had 9 moms and 28 kids. 

Deciding this was much bigger than us we figured out we needed help. 

We went to a couple of churches and after being told it would never work and the women would take advantage of us we went back to the moms.  We told the moms that the churches would not help us and if they were going to take advantage of us to please let us know so we could stay working and make more money. 

This was one of the most profound answers from the women: we don't trust the church anyway.  They come in with a program to work with us. They find out how hard it is, the budget gets cut, the leader leaves and we are left once again, alone. 

Rob started the next day working on our 501(c)3 paperwork. 

And that is the short version of Against the Grains beginning in 2003. 

The 180 Curriculum was written to answer questions from the moms on how to break the negative cycles in their lives. 

It is now offering hope across the country to men and women in jails, prisons, transitional housing, homeless shelters, crisis pregnancy centers and churches. 

Better late than never: I owe my husband an apology

In 1997, my marriage was over.  My husband did not love me anymore, at least that is what he said.  The truth was, as with most marriages, is that it had become comfortable and we allowed satan to come in for the kill. I was devastated.  I thought I was doing things correctly.  I had recently become a Christian, and from the pulpit I was hearing "submit, submit, submit".  I was even given books on being a "submissive" wife. 

But today's blog is about the apology I owe my husband even years later.  (If you want the whole story, it's on our website www.lessonsfromanaffair.com) 

This past Sunday in church we studied Matthew 18 on how to reconcile.  The first verse of the lesson went like this: 

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ~Matthew 18:15

In 1997, I was so deviststed that I was talking to people from church.  The husbands of the wives decided that these verses were their context for taking matters into their own hands and comfronting him after work in the parking lot. 

I noticed something Sunday..... Go to, point (talk), just between you and the offending party. 

This parking lot mob was not Biblical, no matter how you sliced it. The issue was between my husband and me....period...but because I did not follow the first part of this verse it turned into a church discipline and asking us both not to return to the church. 

What I learned this last weekend was, that we as humans don't like conflict and we like to be right and we like to take scripture out of context to make our side more palatable; but in the process we hurt people and some get turned away from God and the church.  

So to my husband of 30 years in May:

I love you and I am sorry...

And to the rest of you my question is: 

Are you a change agent for God or a stumbling block in this world? 

Makeup: covers up our shame and guilt, or does it?

As she walked into the room and took her seat you could sense there was no joy in her life.  She was allowing the shame and guilt of her past consume her. 

As the beauty consultant handed out the trays carefully filled with the evenings goodies, the mood was lightened with laughter and making of fun memories. 

 "Ooh this is warm.  Is this supposed to be warm?" Asked the mom as she washed her hands with the newly released product. 

The evening flew by as we learned which finger to use when applying foundations and make up correctly. The consultant did a fantastic job making us feel at home while making us look BEAUTIFUL...on the outside. 

We left that evening feeling like a million dollars because our outward look had been transformed, but our outward appearance can only take us so far. 

Shame and guilt trump makeup every time. I still remember thinking that if I just dressed up everyday, no jeans, no tennis shoes but heels, makeup and business professional clothing I would feel better about myself.  I wanted that million dollar feeling all day, every day.  

Changing our outward appearance without changing the inner person is a recipe for even more shame and guilt, when you realize your go to behavior is still the same. 

It was not until I changed my destructive go to behavior into a behavior that was filled with Gods unconditional love that my outward appearance and inward appearance were a mirror of joy; a radiant light the shines even on the gloomiest of days when I only want to wear sweatpants, a sweatshirt and tennis shoes. 

So many woman think that putting concealer under their eyes to illuminate that darkened area by covering it up, will change their lives.  I know this because I too was this woman for many years.  

It's time to come clean women with our junk that keeps us in bondage to thinking we are only worth the makeup we put on our face.  We need to find the true inner beauty that God so desperately wants to shine, His radiant cleanser called Jesus. 

Sex for a roof over your head?

She called and said "yes, I am still coming". Waiting patiently I prayed she would come. I really want her to get some new friends. She was late but she came. 

We asked her if she was hungry.  Her response was she really hadn't eaten in a few days, because her stomach was not setting just right.  By the way that is code word for "I need to keep what little money I have for gas in my car, not food in my stomach". 

We took her to lunch our treat. The conversation was light and superficial. It covered topics about how's the new job? How many hours are you getting? 

After dinner was done, she gave me a big hug and said "thank you". 

We all ran for our vehicles as the weather was changing. Settling into ours, my husband said "where is she living"?

With a friend I answered.  He knew by my tone there was more to it than that. "What kind of friend?  And what kind of arrangement?"

I tried to avoid the question because I knew he was not going to like the answer. "She told me the other day that it's an old friend, and she had no where to turn.  He is letting her stay with him, but it's not a good situation and she needs to get out."

"What do you mean it's not a good situation? Does he expect payment?" 

I guess the look on my face told my husband the payment was not of a monetary kind. 

Why do I tell you this story? This happens more than we want to admit. Women get between a rock and a hard place and they finally want to get off the roller coaster....the challenge comes when they try. 

People fail people.  When "Christians" say they want to help...they expect all the behaviors of the past in these women to go away immediately. Reality is, you cannot rid yourself of years of baggage, low self-esteem, low self-confidence,abuse or addictions in a matter of minutes because you have changed the environment. 

Changing the environment is a start, but showing unconditional love through real authentic relationships is long lasting and the hardest to do. 

Most of the women we work with will hurt you, it is a coping mechanism. They will hurt you before you hurt them.  They are used to disappointment and hurt as part of their normal life. 

Also when "Christians" want to help, it's usually on the "Christians" terms.  They don't say it but through actions they are telling the women: "I'm not the one who got myself into this mess, so if you will just do what I say your life will be better." You are correct "Christian" you may not be as bad off:  having to have sex just to pay a bill so your children have food on the table, electricity or a roof over their head... but you have junk in your life just like they do.

It is now February and Christmas is long gone.  This is what trash cans looked like after the "Christians" came to the "rescue" so the child had a very "materialistic" Christmas 

 Where are you today? Do you know where the mom and kids are today that you bestowed all these gifts upon not even 60 days ago? 

I know it's not Christmas and most people have gotten caught back up into the routine of their own life but what about the families you bought gifts for less than 60 days ago? 

What these families need most are "relationships".  Not relationships that bail them out, but relationships that empower them to DESIRE to change so they can one day be a giver not a receiver. 

Let us know if you want to be a change maker?