Sidewalks and Needles

A few weeks ago I met a mom. Her life is in shambles due to choices she has made.  DRUGS have been her priority instead of her children. While I was standing there, her youngest came up to me.  I crouched down to her level and she let me pick her up. Not only did she let me pick her up, but she laid her head down and held me tight. I did not think anything about it...kids love me and let me pick them up all the time. Her mother, noticing that she let me pick her up commented to her friend "look, she NEVER does that". Again not thinking anything about it, I finished our conversation and that was the end. 

  

Fast forward to today.

We have not been to our home church in a few weeks due to traveling for conventions and a needed respite after being re-triggered and dealing with PTSD ( see prior blog post)

As I am sitting there,worship band playing, I am singing, I start to feel an oppression come over me. 

Now if you know me, people say I have the gift of intercessory prayer; God will wake me up out of a dead sleep and I will have to pray....sometimes God tells me who to pray for and sometimes not, but the prayers have always been generic: keep so and so safe, guide so and so, etc.   

Well this morning it was totally different... ( and if you don't believe in the Spiritual battles that are unseen, you will probably read this and want to have me committed).

I start to see this little girl from weeks ago. She is running to me. I bend down to pick her up, then I feel the need to pray for her mother and the other single mom that is keeping her children.  

As I am just praying a simple prayer of "God be with them.  Give them strength".  I feel God saying NO, I need you to pray specifics.  

By this time I am crying uncontrollably because as I am singing (the words that I have written below,from Chris Tomlin ) I now have this vision: I am seeing the mom that I met, laying on the sidewalk, a needle not far from her arm and I feel satan right there enticing her.  Now I am singing these words as my prayer to God for her. The oppression was so strong, the prescensce of evil was so prevalent. I felt like I was fighting for her life. 

 

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my sword and shield

Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name

For You alone can save

You will deliver me

Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in Your hands

I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in Your hands

I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

I found myself singing these words with emphasis....praying her name....changing the words just a little to become a prayer, begging God to spare her. To save her.  

Then we took communion.  I found myself taking the bread and the cup and lifting them back up to God and saying " Lord may they know that this bread that represents Your body is for them also.  And this juice representing Your blood, was shed for them also.  No matter how bad she thinks she is or how awful the things she has done....You are calling for Your child to accept Your forgiveness".  So now I am crying again and we sing this song.....and again I start praying it as a specific pray for my new friend. 

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

This event was so real, the vision was so real.  I was exhausted.  I felt like I had been in a battle.  It hurt me so much for this mom, that I actually found the preachers phone number and texted during church to make sure that this mom was still alive.  

Again I have never had such a huge burden and oppression hit me for someone like this with specificity. And I am not sure why I felt the need to share this event, except maybe someone else needs to know that: no matter how bad your past or your past mistakes, the only step under consideration is the very next step.....and without God in your corner, (accepting Him as The Lord of your life, asking for forgiveness of yours sins, and repenting), success over the shame and guilt will NOT be achieved. You will stay in the cycle of "letting life happen", and you will not be free from your addiction.  

Done living in denial

Just over a week ago I was in Texas at a convention.  It was a great convention with lots of prospects for the 180 Program. 

Everyday I got a little more tired because instead of staying on site we stayed with relatives and took public transportation to and from the event.  It was a great time and I would not change it for the world.  On the last day though, I did not realize how tired I really was until a gentleman had gotten on the train.  He smelled of day old smoke and was very gruff when speaking. He sat down across from me and started asking questions to the gentleman who was sitting behind him. Rob, who was sitting behind me, just placed his hand on my shoulder as he said he could see my whole body tense.  The rest of the ride I tried to busy my mind with other things, it didn't work. By the time we arrived at our stop, I could not breathe and I could not get off the train quick enough.  Trying to hold it together, I was standing in line at McDonalds and couldn't even concentrate long enough to order. Crying just seemed to come and was not something that could be shut off. 

I still had an hour to stand at our booth, smile and talk about ministry; I knew that was not going to be possible without intervention.  Thanks to all of you who prayed that Saturday morning. 

So fast forward through this week:  I worked, I taught, I worked some more and taught some more.  Plowing through the week as if nothing had happened last week. 

I found myself not sleeping, getting agitated and having anxiety. On Thursday I was teaching and I could tell that something was different with this guy that was in class. As we were talking about excuses and living in denial he said that last week he accepted The Lord, because on the first week of class I challenged him to start acting different if he really wanted to be different.  He then stated that he was going to quit "the gang".  He proceeded to tell me the gang he was apart of and I just kept smiling and praying.  

"Thank you Lord, that this man wants to follow You and not the world especially the gang, but Lord the last time this happened, I was beaten up for it.  Lord give me strength to keep plugging away as You have asked me. Lord as I walk, let me walk in obedience and not fear". 

By Saturday morning I was finished. Put a fork in me I am done. I was so fidgety and full of anxiety that I realized I had hardly eaten in a few days and I was just going through the motions of life. 

So why am I blogging about this. Because I think this picture I took today captured the way I felt this past week but did not realize I was allowing myself to live in denial of "I'm ok...I'm a Christian and God is bigger than my problems, so therefore I have no problems". 

 So here are my take-a-ways from this past week.  

1) I HAVE to take time for ME.  

I feel if I take down time then some how I am less than and then I allow the shame and guilt of my past to creep up, start speaking and before I know it, I can fall into a depression. 

2) It's ok to take ME time.

This past week has taught me that I NEED me time. I learned that by living with PTSD, being re triggered and NOT completely decompressing that it allows for a build up that when it blows.....be ware. I felt that time coming this week but I did not know how to deal with it so I shut down.  Shut downs also creates depression. 

3) I also learned this week, that just because it works for you, it may not work for me.....and that is ok.  

Living with PTSD and depression is different for every person.  How it rears itself.  How it affects us.  How it gets dealt with. The thing I learned this week is that by living in the denial that "it does not affect my daily life"; allows for satan to use it more and more therefore keeping me from being productive. 

I know now, that this is a part of my daily life.  It is not an excuse to say see "this is why", but instead it is just a speed bump that I have learned is part of living everyday to the fullest.  

How I respond is how effective I will be in getting to the end of the day with myself in tact or the transmission tore out from speeding over and slamming down on the other side of the speed bump.

Roulette....the house always wins

My phone rang at 10:53pm, Hello I said.  The voice on the other end said "did you hear the news"?

I met her in a jail cell.  Her charges?, they don't matter.  What matters is that if you stopped long enough to see "her", not her lifestyle but her, you  could tell, she was empty and void of life.  She was full though, at the same time.  She was full of shame and guilt because of her lifestyle. 

I had great hopes for her, but she was closed off.  She had been hurt one too many times. The road of life and disappointments had made her callous to what I had to say. 

As class started, she talked about her job and the fact that she liked the attention. She could tell me every gift she had gotten from every ministry that walked through the doors of her work. 

This was her hope.  She knew she would never measure up to "those peoples" expectations, and  with shame and guilt being her guides, why even try? 

She was transferred to another jail, released on bond, and was due to start a program the next week.  But because her identity was wrapped up in attention and shame and guilt were her guides, she wanted one last horrah, before her freedom, as she saw it, was taken. 

"Just one more time", she would say. 

Now today her body will be laid to rest.  I can not tell you how many people say, as they are sitting across from me in a jail cell: I just wanted to do ______________,one more time."

Our human need, our selfish need is to, do what we want with no regard to the consequence. 

The world is Satan's playground and he gets people caught up in the thrill of "just one more"...... 

A game a chance, roulette, Russian or otherwise still has the same outcome.....the house always wins. 

So today, stop, take the time to notice the person, not the profession, habit or addiction...take time.  Not the pat answer of "God loves you".    Because right now God is not real to them....the drug is, the attention is, the hurt is, the _____________is.

Do I really want to be a Paul?

Today it hit me,(after my banter back and forth with God, see Facebook status),what would it had been like if Paul had put his heels in the sand after the first beating and imprisonment?

Saul was headed to Damascus with letters from the high priests addressed to the synagogues asking for their cooperation in the arrest  of any followers of the Way he found there. Prior to that it says "Saul was uttering threats with every breath and was eager to kill the Lords followers". 

We know the story that Jesus stopped him on that road, made him blind and told him to go to into the city and that he would be told what to do.

Now enters Ananias, a believer. The Lord speaks to Ananias and tells him exactly what to do. 

But Lord....do you not know who that is?..., Ananias's response is a story for another day...because I think we do this a lot too.  

The Lord says:" go for Saul he is my chosen instrument to take my message to the Gentiles, and to the kings, as well as to the people of Israel.

Now here is a part of the verse I never remember reading..... " and I will show him how much he must suffer for my names sake".

Now through out Acts we see: Jews tried to murder him. He was put in prison after being stripped and severely beaten. 

But as I skimmed through Acts I found the 20th chapter: " I don't know what awaits me, except that the Holy Spirit tells me in city after city jail and suffering lie ahead. But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by The Lord Jesus ~the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. 

I so relate to this: but my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by The Lord Jesus.....the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. 

Do I want to be beaten again? Of course not....but I am not going to live in fear that he could show up in a class at any given time.  I will complete the course set for me long ago.  Ephesians 2:10  

They aren't JUST Words....

This week my husband called me out on something and when he did I was not too happy.  But the more God has had me marinating on it.....I realize it is actually very important. Funny how God does that. 

Then I was in the College Sunday School class and that was when I knew I needed to be obedient and write about it. 

Today the first verse we read in class was: 

             Proverbs 12:1 To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction.

Then as we opened the book and Luke 16:10 was written:

      If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest   in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. 

When we started this ministry and I had to write my first report for the judge, I was given this advice "only the facts and no personal inflection". 

The other day Rob called me out on a text.  He said "that's not how it read".  He was correct, I put my own inflection in it because I was already upset about something else  and the text just set me off.  

So instead of just stating the facts, I added inflection.  Then Rob said "words mean things". I will paraphrase the rest of the conversation as I now see it today: by adding inflection when telling someone what someone else said or even wrote, adds a lack of trust that you are telling the truth in other situations. 

I was upset when he was telling me this and then he brought up the verse Luke 16:10, and he paraphrased it " if you can't be trusted with the little, how can you be trusted with the bigger things?"  

I have heard this verse for many years and always thought it meant: money due to the next verse in Luke.  Luke 16:11, states    

And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? 

But the more God convicted me of trust and words; the more I started praying for my own sin.

So something that was not meant for harm, the inflection I put into the text made it sound like the person was being vindictive. So if this had gone unchecked, think about the consequences that could have happened.  Consequences could be as simple as a cold shoulder towards this person by my husband, to calling this person out.  Which brings me to the next verse 

Luke 16:12 

And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?

What things?  Words, character, integrity just to name a few. 

So why make this public? Because sin is sin and breaks your relationship with others but more importantly God. 

And I want to be transparent that even socially acceptable sins, are sins and breaks God's heart. And as I want to live a transformed life I want to be obedient to Gods leading and nudging. 

Road Closed!!! NOT

This past week if you watch my news feed you would have seen this status:

You know that point where you are so tired of praying for God to answer,

and you are trying to be obedient and not go back to the cross where you laid it and pick it up and try to "fix it" yourself....

Yep I am there.

God took me to Haggai earlier this week. Today during my quiet time I was in Haggai 2.  

‘Does anyone remember this house—this Temple—in its former splendor?

How, in comparison, does it look to you now? It must seem like nothing at all! 

But now the Lord says: Be strong, Zerubbabel. Be strong, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest.

Be strong, all you people still left in the land.

And now get to work, for I am with you, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 

My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid.’

What first hit me was “Does anyone remember this house…. this Temple…. In its former splendor…. Do you remember when you first became a Christ follower?  Were you on fire to tell everyone about what Christ had done for you?  And today what happened to that Former Splendor. Where is that fire today? 

God asks in the next line “How in comparison does it look to you know”?

As real life happens and we don’t get our prayers answered as we see fit… we let the lies start to slip in and we start to think God doesn’t really care about our dreams and prayers. Then to make matters worse, you start hearing of people getting prayers answered and you are wondering; “What did I do wrong?”, “Why did my prayers not get answered?”  “What’s wrong with me?”

And so we allow the Splendor of who God really is… fade.

Some will walk away from the truth because the grass looks greener on the other side (remember though, that grass is being grown over the septic field). Some will try self-medication: shopping, drinking, drugs, changing something to fit in to a society they don’t want to fit in; but some image consultant said that would get them noticed. 

We need to remember even in our darkest days, when the depression overcomes us, the shame of our past and we want to give up, quit or fix it our self and not wait on God…. We need to read the rest of this verse….

Be STRONG and NOW get to work…for I AM is with me…the Spirit was left as a guarantee to guide and direct… DO NOT BE AFRAID!

Self-medicating

This week I have watched families disintegrate due to: infidelity, drugs, alcohol, pornography and much more.

I have taught this week in places where those sitting in front of me have become the expectation of those speaking into their lives.

Then to top the week off I got a not one but two messages that just sent me over the edge.

As we drove home we contemplated going out for a drink and dinner or just going home.  We chose going home.

So oatmeal and a cup of coffee it was. We plopped down on the couch just shaking our heads in disbelief of the week that had just ended.

"Let's just watch a movie", I said.

"Ok".

So I went over to our movie selection and started silently reading the movie titles.  I chose one and put it in the DVD player.

For the next 90 minutes I was lost in a town called "Grady, South Carolina". It's a very small town of about 1 square mile.  As one of the characters says " you can't poop in this town without everyone knowing what color it is".

For 90 minutes I also did not have a care in the world. I was engrossed in someone else's make believe world of Hollywood.

As the movie ended my pain came back.  The remembering of all the things that had happened this past 5 hours let alone all week. But as I googled Grady South Carolina, I found out the town never existed.  It actually was another town in another state, re-named to make a movie. There was no hope of ever finding this town to have this blissful feeling in real life.

Then it hit me as I longed to go back into that movie and get lost again.....how easy it is to "self-medicate".

People get caught up in this cycle called life's pain, bumps and bruises.  And depending on those around them could very well start their self- medicating that will end with an addiction to drugs and alcohol.  If they are a recluse or feel they can not share, then their addiction could become cutting, pornography or even food.

Last night I really felt that God gave me a glimpse into self-medicating for a couple of reasons.
1) To better understand those we work with
2) To understand how easy it is

The challenge becomes for those who see their only hope is in self-medication to make the pain go away, because that's what the world sells:  hope in sex, hope in attention, hope in drugs/alcohol, hope in money, hope in a different destination.

I wanted the pain of this week to go away so bad that I wanted to lose myself.  Lucky for me my hope is not in my week but a God who allows weeks like this so that I become more and more dependent upon Him and not myself.

My hope is in the One who made this awesome sunset...