Self-medicating

This week I have watched families disintegrate due to: infidelity, drugs, alcohol, pornography and much more.

I have taught this week in places where those sitting in front of me have become the expectation of those speaking into their lives.

Then to top the week off I got a not one but two messages that just sent me over the edge.

As we drove home we contemplated going out for a drink and dinner or just going home.  We chose going home.

So oatmeal and a cup of coffee it was. We plopped down on the couch just shaking our heads in disbelief of the week that had just ended.

"Let's just watch a movie", I said.

"Ok".

So I went over to our movie selection and started silently reading the movie titles.  I chose one and put it in the DVD player.

For the next 90 minutes I was lost in a town called "Grady, South Carolina". It's a very small town of about 1 square mile.  As one of the characters says " you can't poop in this town without everyone knowing what color it is".

For 90 minutes I also did not have a care in the world. I was engrossed in someone else's make believe world of Hollywood.

As the movie ended my pain came back.  The remembering of all the things that had happened this past 5 hours let alone all week. But as I googled Grady South Carolina, I found out the town never existed.  It actually was another town in another state, re-named to make a movie. There was no hope of ever finding this town to have this blissful feeling in real life.

Then it hit me as I longed to go back into that movie and get lost again.....how easy it is to "self-medicate".

People get caught up in this cycle called life's pain, bumps and bruises.  And depending on those around them could very well start their self- medicating that will end with an addiction to drugs and alcohol.  If they are a recluse or feel they can not share, then their addiction could become cutting, pornography or even food.

Last night I really felt that God gave me a glimpse into self-medicating for a couple of reasons.
1) To better understand those we work with
2) To understand how easy it is

The challenge becomes for those who see their only hope is in self-medication to make the pain go away, because that's what the world sells:  hope in sex, hope in attention, hope in drugs/alcohol, hope in money, hope in a different destination.

I wanted the pain of this week to go away so bad that I wanted to lose myself.  Lucky for me my hope is not in my week but a God who allows weeks like this so that I become more and more dependent upon Him and not myself.

My hope is in the One who made this awesome sunset...

No Shower will ever be enough

So why are you here?

Why did you not go to the church?

Her answer: the church doors were locked and I did not know how to get in.  I could see people walking around, but no one heard my silent cries for help.

Why did you not knock harder?

Her answer: I didn't want to be rejected.  I've been rejected for so long by people, that I was afraid to be rejected by God.

Church wake up..these buildings are to be a safe place, a place of refuge 7 days a week.

We are  group of hurting people fear of rejection.  Church please don't reject us also.  Open your doors.  Open your doors and walk with us.  Don't condemn us, we can do that on our own.  Don't look at us with those eyes; you know those eyes that tell us we don't fit in.  We know we don't, you don't have to judge us too, we already feel dirty enough. No shower will ever be enough.  The stank, we have created by our choices, you remind us that it will always be there by the way you walk to the other side of the hallway or sidewalk.

We just need someone to hold us and tell us they love us without expecting anything in return.

We need someone to walk with us in relationship that isn't afraid to get our stink on them.  That stench we smell, that permeates our skin because we've  worn it for so long.....

***If you are this person in this story, please know that Jesus, has not and will not reject you. If you are afraid of being rejected but need someone to talk to please reach out.***

Are you a crown or a cancer?

Today's blog is just for women: 

In Proverbs 12 it says: 
A worthy wife is a crown for her husband, but a disgraceful woman is like cancer in his bones

Worthy, worthy of what? What is the definition of worthy? Honorable, valuable.

I think one of the challenges today is that "things", are so attainable and easily thrown away that relationships start to become "things" also.

We also start looking for our self worth in things and what we have to offer.

There use to be a simpler time when women were admired for their inner beauty not their outer beauty.  There was a time when wearing clothes that covered our bodies and not being out on the streets looking for love was admirable. There was a time when you waited for the guy to come around, and you did not throw yourself at them EVER.  You didn't go looking for it.  There was a time, actually, when courting, was the norm. There was a time when being a virgin on your wedding night was the norm not the exception.

Why do we think today, that we can't be like a woman of yesteryear?  Why do we think that by walking the streets, searching the Internet,going to the clubs, posting pictures on websites in clothing that should have been outlawed, that we will get men worthy of us being a "crown"....  Instead of being a crown you will be a jewel he will add to his already filled crown of other women that meant nothing.

Why do we not see ourselves worthy to be a crown?  Why have we let the world of advertising tell us that "unless you are this size" or "doing this in the world", you are less than?  Why do we think that as soon as the guy says hello we need to jump in bed with them?  Why do we not see ourselves worthy of being that crown to our husband, key word husband....why do we worry that we will miss something if we settle down and start a life with just one man?  Why do we think that our lives will be empty if we become a woman of a time gone by?

What would our relationships look like, what would our children learn if we became the women of yesteryear?

So my question is; are you a crown or a cancer?

And if you are not married, what are your actions teaching your children? And with your actions, are you going to catch the attention of a righteous, God-fearing, man?

Complacency and Marriage; A Deadly Combination

This last week our Pastor taught on the creating of Eve for Adam.  The joke was that God was a good God because he brought Adam a naked wife.   He also stated some more serious statements like Eve was made out of Adams RIB not his foot bone to be less than and not from the head to be grater than....

But the RIB to fit into.  We are a helper, helpmate or are we?

Many times I think we get into marriage thinking we are in love but in reality it's an infatuation.  The word love gets used too frequently these days by young teens and young adults.  In my opinion the word LOVE has become diluted to mean:  today, I will do what you ask and be with you  but when something better comes along, I'll see ya later.  When that "better" comes along; then all the faults that were there to begin with that you accepted, now become reasons you can't "love" them anymore.

This last week I watched a movie by Tyler Perry called "Temptation".  I won't tell you the whole story line but the main part I want to point out is how we get complacent in our (in this case) marriage, and we take each other for granted. We forget what each others love languages are, we forget what makes them laugh, we forget what makes them happy, we forget what makes them ALIVE.   And we forget who we are, then one day someone or something gets introduced into our lives and we realize how unhappy we are.

There are a few reasons for complacency:

• We grew up together and it becomes just a part of our daily routine
• We get into a routine and just think the other person will always be there
• The other person will take my crap because he/she married me

And the list could go on and on....but the truth is complacency and taking your marriage and your husband/ wife as an individual  for granted is just what Satan wants.

So here are a few practical ways to get out of the "routine" of marriage

• Be spontaneous, now this will be hard if you have a Type A, Choleric, super first, or first born personality....and spouse if are married to that type of personality then you may have to modify your spontaneity.
• Be intentional
• Make sure your spouse feels appreciated
• Don't talk to everyone about your spouse and their shortcoming
• If you don't know what your and your spouses love language is find out:      http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/                       
• Now that you know both know, do them....watch out though your natural action will be to do the love language that you are
• Talk, uninterrupted talk....put away the electronics, shut the TV off and talk.
• Go for a walk
• If you can afford it, get away to a place where there is no TV, Internet, or cell service.
•  What did you used to do when you first met and had no money but at the end of the evening you were full because you truly cared for the person you had just spent the past hours with
•  Add your own:

May they stay alive long enough

In the past 24 hours, I have heard these words not once but twice "may they stay alive long enough...."

Living in denial that an addiction is not serious goes like this....

"I can stop ________when I want and it only affects me".

When you believe this then you find out real fast that, that is a lie that Satan uses to keep you in your state of being addicted. Let me show you.

When you say I can stop ____________whenever I want: you keep doing whatever it is you are doing.

Your belief becomes that you are in control so therefore you don't need help.

You end up going through your day and week and longer, just trying to get through until.....

Your actions then become ___________________. You quit going to work, you lose your friends, you ________.

Then your life starts to fall apart because you.....end up in jail, become homeless, and worse case....you end up 6 feet under.

Now some may say being 6 feet under would be the best case, then I don't have to deal with life (code word for consequences).  I want you to hear me when I say....dealing with your consequences will be a piece of cake when you get to the other side of your living in denial and start taking the needed steps to get healthy and becoming responsible.  Why do I say that?   Because  YOU are worth living a life worthy of what God wants you to be. You may not be able to see it right now, but I know the God I serve.  He is a loving and caring God but  I also know He is a jealous God, who wants all100% all 100% of the time.

My favorite quote is "God makes NO junk".

So call me if you are ready to deal with life.

Catch 22

The truth is......

Most of the men and women we work with are not considered law abiding citizens.

Let me give you an example of a catch 22.

A lady gets out of jail and we are working diligently with her to get a job.  She says she has an old friend that can help and given some of her circumstances we say ok.

After working a few days we start asking questions because he has already helped her and we need his help again.

She stalls and avoids the questioning, finally she comes out and tells us that he is expecting payment for helping.  Sexual payment.  Now I am connecting the dots.  He used to be her pimp.

Ok so lets find a new way...

When you are out trying to do things right it takes a while to reprogram "debilitating mentalities".  All the while you are trying to change you still have to fight daily the demons of your past that don't want you to have a better future.

Today I wake up to a message that things have gone badly.  She thought she was going to a friends that was safe ( usually safe for those we work with means you did not use with them, have sex with them or any other illegal activity with them, even though they do that, you just never did it with them). Well someone else also came over and he held her hostage, raped her and beat her.

For most, the logical choice is to call the police.

But not so much for those who are just NOW becoming law abiding citizens.

You see somewhere in their mind of demons and debilitating mentalities.... She is hearing....

"You did something to deserve this"

"No one will believe you because you're just a prostitute".

"You call the police, they won't believe you, look at your rap sheet".

So the truth is..... Trying to change takes a new village.  It takes lots of "healthy people", walking daily and not judging.

The hardest part in walking with someone is to know when "their excuses" are just an excuse to not change, because change is hard and brings responsibility and they are not ready for the success that change will bring.

And the second thing is when walking with someone and they "slip up, relapse, go to their old behaviors"... To not judge so harshly that you say "screw this, you're not worth my time", and walk away.  Your relationship may change, but we don't add to the shame by saying "I new you'd mess up.  I knew you couldn't do it".  That does not help anyone get healthy.

My Heart Breaks For You

My heart breaks as I read statuses, as I look at photos, and read replies.

"Oh, how dare they, they can't do that."

"Oh, don't the both of you look cute".

"Oh what a beautiful child, I am so proud and happy for you".

"Don't they know how much I need a job".

"She'll get hers, I can promise you that".

Following what you want in life is called following the desires of our sinful nature.

Some of the things we do when we are following the world, friends, the crowds, latest fads or trends or when our go to behavior only has our personal satisfaction as its best interest, these following examples can be the result:

sexual immorality: immoral is defined as deliberately violating accepted principles of right and wrong. So put the word sexual in front of that then you have:  deliberately violating sexually accepted principles of right and wrong.

impurity: the quality of being corrupt, no longer being pure

lustful pleasures: lustful is defined as having or showing strong feelings of sexual desire.     Pleasure is defined as a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. So lustful pleasures is defined as: having or showing strong feelings of sexual desire and getting satisfaction and enjoyment from it.

idolatry: the act of showing respect and love for something and placing it into a higher place even over yourself.

sorcery:  exercising  supernatural powers through the aid of evil spirits; black magic; witchery.

hostility: an unfriendly attitude or action

quarreling: to have an angry argument or disagreement

jealousy: resentment against a rival, or against a person enjoying success.

outbursts of anger: a sudden release of a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

selfish ambition: to only look out and think about oneself.

dissension: strong disagreement

division: the act of separating into parts

envy: a feeling of discontented because you want someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.

drunkenness: the state of being intoxicated

wild parties: out of control, amazingly out of this world get together's

When we follow the desires of our sinful nature, the results are very clear:

1. Figuring out how to get out of jail
2. Figuring out if the person/people that were with you are even still alive
3. Trying to remember who you were with and what you did
4. 6 weeks later either making the call or being on the receiving end of the call:  "I'm having a baby" or "you're going to be a father".
5. Living up to what you did last weekend
6. 9 months later realizing you are now responsible for this little person for the next 18 years
7. Being controlled by demons and evil spirits
8. Feeling unworthy
9. Feeling dirty
10. Doing illegal activity so you can have what you can't afford because you want what other people have
11. Doing illegal activity just because you aren't willing to do the hard work it takes to make money, save money and provide for yourself and your family

To change, to quit making excuses takes a NEW BEHAVIOR and a NEW DESIRE.

It can be done, but it takes a will power to want to change.

Step 1:You have to first and foremost know who YOU are, and what YOU really want to be.
Step 2: Then you have to surround yourself with people that are like what you want to become.
Step 3: Then you have to repeat step one and two over and over again.

So why does my heart breaks?

 Because I know that the people writing these statuses have more to offer this world.