10x10 and Orange

He walked into the room months ago angry.  Angry at the Sgt. For not putting him on the roster sooner. I apologized and said it was my fault, I  was trying a new system. He sat in the back row arms folded, which sent the message " I'm here,but not here, because I am mad at you.

As a couple more classes passed his arm folding became less and less.

Fast forward to yesterday. He walked in, still in the same orange jumpsuit he's had on for months, but today he sat on the front row.  The class was full of men in the same orange jumpsuits. They had all came in single file with different cares on their shoulders but soon the walls they had built would come crashing down.

I started to speak.  Asking how their week had been? Some may think that was a rhetorical question seeing they found themselves living in a 10x10 grey cinder blocked room.

Then I asked the question:  finish this sentence....if I asked your friends who or what you are what adjectives would they say?

After a few moments of silence, faces buried in their books, words being written, then erased, then more words written... I asked the second question...who or what do you say you are....what adjectives would you use to describe yourself?

The young man looks up and asks..."what if I'm all bad? I don't have any good words".

I told him just to be honest with himself.  A few moment later as I am addressing the whole class with this question... What happened in your past to make you who you are today?

I jump as I hear the book being slammed down on the table.  His voice as confidently as he can speak says "I can't, I can't do this now".  His body is shaking with anger... But I've seen this shake before.  He wants to let it out but he can't.. It's not manly to...  I walk over to him studying his mannerisms and watching for any detail that may say "get him out of here before he explodes".

Even this man who has tattooed himself, along with the tear drop tattoo by his eye is hurt by his past and wants a hope for a better future.

As I stand next to him getting ready to speak, he says " I'll be ok, I'll just listen".  And back to arms being folded.

As gently as I can without sounding condescending, I ask him to just breathe and let it out.  Just breathe, I say.

Just breathe... What was I thinking?  Well crisis diverted and the rest of the class was awesome.  We talked about our past and a new future.  I even say "you know God makes no junk".  A couple of the new guys look at each other and I  hear "hey, thats good write that down". Then I paraphrase Ephesians 2:10.... We are Gods masterpiece, created to do good things.. And before you were even born He had that all planned out.  I go on to say, but this and I point to the cinder blocked room with no windows.... This was not it.  So what are you going to do about changing and getting back on track with what God wants to do with your life?"  

We then finish the session with an  action plan on how we were going to get there.  I am honest with who I am, my struggles, my own self- sabotage and self doubt.

90 minutes is over and class is done.  Master control tells me hallway is clear and ready for male movement.  As I stand at the door telling everyone see you next week, there he stands, a foot from me apologizing, wiping tears from his eyes.

I speak to him just as I would if I had a son, "it's ok to cry, it's ok to have feelings.  You don't always have to be tough".

What is it that you are still holding onto, that is holding you back from the life God wants for you?