The victim is not the only victim

About 4 years ago the economy was not so hot and things were changing in the non- profit world. Rob, my husband, wanting to provide for the family took a part- time job at a little family owned pizzeria.  It didn't pay a lot but every little bit helped. In about 2 months time he was managing the restaurant. Then January 20th 2011, while eating lunch, he gets the phone call that no husband wants to get.... I call him and say " honey, I've been mugged, and you need to cancel my phone". At this point I had 2 phones one for personal and one for work. We hang up, and he calls back.  Do I not need to cancel anything else? Nope, I said.  Just my cell phone.   Not making sense, he calls a friend who works around the corner to come check on me.  The friend gets there as I am being taken to the hospital in the back of an ambulance.

Nothing in life can prepare you for a phone call of:  I'm sorry..... Or, honey....are you sitting down....

I'm not going to give you any scriptures to be able to say to a friend or family member.  What I want to share is the forgotten person in all this mess....the spouse.

When people would see us who knew what happened, they would instantly ask how I was?  But the silent killer in this is for the other person.  The emotions that they are flooded with.  The, if only I had been there.  The why God?  The going over and over in your head, how could I have changed this so she did not get hurt.

How do you minister to the other person without emotions adding fuel to the fire, of let's get revenge or let's go make them pay.  How do you minister in someone else's pain, especially if that other person is a male?

The male will become the caretaker or the major workaholic. He will drown his emotions to make sure his wife is taken care of.  He will also drown his emotions so she doesn't have added guilt of doing something wrong. But how long until these unaddressed emotions become anger, guilt, madness?

So how to minister to a male in this time.   Don't open your mouth and say, well you know she never should have been down there in the first place.  Or well you know God's got a plan.   Wrong answers just saying.

First the male will not leave the women's side, so if you plan on taking the male somewhere, you had better bring a female companion for the women.  Or you can just show up to watch football, NASCAR, basketball, baseball, or hockey.

The biggest thing is showing up and saying, " I'm here if you want to talk, I DON'T  know how you are feeling, because this has never happened to me, but just know, I am here".

When you are in tragedy you do not wanting someone who has read books, or helped others going through something similar to say " I know what you are going through".... Unless you have been through the exact same thing you can't even imagine.  So the best advice is to actually show up and do something normal.   Not showing up or not even making a call, shows you don't care in the eyes of the person.   You may think, "lets give them space", but what they need more than anything is to know, they aren't alone.

Now fast forward to 3 years later.  God in His infinite wisdom did 2 things: 1) cancelled all my classes including the Nashville class and 2) our manager was put on kind of a bed rest on Sunday not to return to work til Wednesday....so I was not only able to, but now had to go to the store and work side by side with my husband.  Which is what he needed because even 3 years later, he thinks, what could I have done differently, and grateful it didn't turn out worse.

I hope this helps you remember the other party in the story of someone becoming a victim.... Because they both become victims in different ways.  So as Christians love them well, just leave the scripture verses at home.

And remember even trauma causes grief and triggers come at the most in opportune time.